Back in 1969, The Rolling Stones’ song lyrics reflected upon the end of the long overdue party that was the 1960s. “The first three verses address the major topics of the 1960s: love, politics, and drugs. Each verse captures the essence of the initial optimism and eventual disillusion of idealistic wants, followed by the resigned pragmatism of getting one’s needs met.” (Richard Unterberger) If the 60’s fashion return of 2014 was an indication, I’d say the same idealism of love, politics and drugs has been resurrected in our culture, for better or for worse. And these lyrics still ring true in our generation, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” but with powerful requests as Speech Acts, you can “Get What You Need” from others. Here’s how!
Requests are often framed in the form of a direct statement, and sometimes as questions. Their structure looks like this:
I request you do “x” by time “y.”
While it may seem intuitive, many failures in relationships and organizations occur because this basic speech act is not exercised competently or completely in our conversations. Requests have certain necessary parts and requirements to be considered complete and therefore effective.
Components Of A REQUEST
Speaker – While obvious, it is worth mentioning for three reasons. 1. Most of us have within us unspoken requests: because we felt we didn’t deserve to, because of fear of being declined, or simply because we haven’t figured out the way. Regardless of the reason the fact that we have not made them means that there has not been a speaker available and thus no request has been made. 2. At times, we may believe we have made a request but have either mis-remembered or the technology we have relied upon has failed us. A text sent that never arrives to the in box of the intended reader or was ignored and never read by them is a request that has not been ‘spoken’. 3. Sometimes we have expectations that we assume are obvious or evident to others and so do not speak the request.
In my family growing up, we had vast amounts of unspoken expectations floating around our home. The consequence of this was two fold: A. I became pretty good as an observer of people’s needs before they were voiced either inside or outside my family. B. I found myself an angry, resentful, sometimes lonely person because I had never really learned how to make effective requests. As a church planting pastor back in the mid-90s, this “Good Observer” served me well as a servant leader to the average church attender, but it made for havoc with my staff and volunteer leaders as they struggled to identify and fulfill my many unspoken expectations.
Committed Listener – How many of leaders have the habit of launching into our requests to a listener who is preoccupied, distracted, or otherwise disengaged? When that happens we do not have a committed listener. If we send off an email or leave a voice mail with the belief that we have made a request we often find ourselves disappointed when the request we thought we made went astray – you got it, there was no listener. The responsibility to engage a committed listener for the request belongs with the person making the request.
Something Missing – Again this seems obvious except that often we have not considered what exactly it is that is missing for us that has us needing to make a request. We may have the sense that something is missing but having clarity and awareness is essential if we want to make a clear request that, when fulfilled, leaves us satisfied. If you find yourself here, one possibility for us is to make a preliminary request to the listener to help us articulate what our request should be. This is a strategy that is enormously helpful when working outside our areas of knowledge/skill.
For example, when I’m late getting my blog to our VA, I have to come up with and edit my own photos for instagram. I’m a huge Instagram newbie and trying to follow the same style using my old photo editor was wrecking me. Not only couldn’t I get the transparent text background screen made, I didn’t even know what it was called to ask? Yikes! So the next time I had my VA on the phone, I requested her help to articulate what I needed “transparent text background screen,” and then I request for suggestions of a photo editor that could accomplish that, which follows all the same principles as a request for any object.
Conditions of Satisfaction (CoS) – These are the conditions that will exist when my request is fulfilled that will have me declaring myself satisfied. One of the most interesting and misunderstood things about conditions of satisfaction is that they must be quantifiable. They cannot be opinions.
For instance if I ask Sue to go to J.C. Penny and buy me a warm sweater I am almost guaranteed to be dissatisfied. It could be that Sue has similar tastes in clothes to my own but there are many other considerations in buying a sweater: price, size, weight, material, pattern and color are a few. Each of these can be quantified. If I simply ask for a sweater, it is unlikely I will get what I am expecting or a sweater I am satisfied with. Thus it is not a clear or effective request. Lack of clarity in my conditions of satisfaction not only puts the fulfillment of my need at risk, it also puts the success of the listener (and in this case performer) at risk. Now if I said, “pick ue up a sweater that is a good price, this size, not too heavy, of an unusual yarn, knit in a simple pattern and has bright colors,” I’ve increased my chances of satisfaction. Lack of competence in setting clear conditions of satisfaction has cost many people relationships and jobs. The cost can be very high.
Time – While time is a condition of satisfaction, it is perhaps the most important and the one most often overlooked. The fact that someone promises he or she will deliver a specific report to you on Tuesday does not guarantee satisfaction. Perhaps the meeting for which you need the report is at 10 a.m. and the listener is thinking they need to have it complete for delivery at the end of the working day. If the speaker and listener (requester and performer) live in different time zones there is even more possibility for a breakdown in this area.
Assumption of Competence – Sometimes this component may be unseen when we make a request of someone,. We often generally assume they have the competence to fulfill it. In preparation of a request this is an important aspect to consider and even investigate because if we make a request of someone who is not competent to fulfill it and they accept, we are putting our need and relationship at risk.
As I was finishing my Seminary training back in 1994, I did a two month internship with a fairly young and successful church startup in Arizona. My list of requirements included some group teaching and ministry. My overseer asked me to lead a time of communion for 30-40 of the congregation members one evening. In my church tradition, communion was commonly served as an add-on to the sermon of the day. So I shrugged and assumed my role was to simply facilitate handing out the elements of Grape Juice and Bread, then conclude with a prayer of thanksgiving. My overseer had expected that I would give a brief sermon in addition to serving the elements as was their tradition. While I could have done that with a bit of preparation, I did not show up with a competence to give a sermon that day, nor did I understand that was part of my overseer’s request. Needless to say we were both embarrassed while the congregation was disappointed and confused.
Mood – A few blogs back, we learned about moods and emotions. Even without that in mind, we can understand that a request made from a mood of anger rather than a mood of compassion will be a different request. Similarly when the listener is in a mood of urgency, they will hear and respond to a request differently than they would in a mood of service. Consideration of what moods will be most effective for both the speaker and listener is important to achieve effectiveness. Often as leaders, our awareness of these considerations are missing.
Shared Background of Obviousness – Simply speaking, when we are knowledgeable in a particular area of experience and expertise, we can often be blind to the fact that those things we consider obvious are unknown to all. In the example of requesting Sue to buy a sweater for me, I assumed she understood the details of a sweater I might desire. If I ask Sue to grab my gloves out of the garage as she meets me at our daughter’s stalled car down the street, she would have three areas and probably 6 pairs of gloves she could grab and probably not have any idea of which I preferred. Predictably, I would be angry if she grabbed the wrong ones in her hurry to meet my request and get to our rendevous in a timely manner, even though I assumed we had a shared obviousness. So Leaders, particularly when we are coordinating action with people from different backgrounds than our own – technical, linguistic, cultural, age – this aspect of making effective requests becomes essential to pay attention to.
Wow, who knew there was so much to consider when making a simple request for something we need?! The reality though, it does take time and practice to include each of these elements in our preparation of making a request because our requests will be weak and ineffective if we leave out a component. If we are truly committed to getting the ‘something missing’ it is worth the effort to plan our requests. If you are singing with Mic Jagger “I cant always get what I want,” one place to explore is your competence in the area of Making Requests.
TOMORROW
We will move on to next few primary Speech Acts: Offers & Promises & Assertions – See you soon!
Primary Speech Acts
REQUESTS
OFFERS
PROMISES
ASSERTIONS
ASSESSMENTS
DECLARATIONS